Introduction

Families can just be hard to deal with during wedding planning. Whether your parents are divorced and don’t get along, or one mother or the other is trying to take over wedding planning, there is just the potential for a lot of family drama during the time leading up to your wedding, as well as on the wedding day. For the most part, this happens for 2 reasons: either there are pre existing problems that are exacerbated by such an emotion-laden time, or there’s something bothering them that seems to come from out of left field. Unfortunately, either way, it ends up putting more stress on the two of you, so it’s obviously something that needs to be dealt with. Read on for some common problems with recommendations for how to deal with them.

Acrimony between parents

The reality today is that many people have parents who are no longer together, and there are often lingering bad feelings between them. In this case, it’s often best to approach each of them privately for a heart-to-heart. Start by listening to their feelings on the matter (even if you’ve heard them a thousand times before) to build some good will. Then, explain – calmly – that while you understand why they feel the way they do, it’s really important to you to have a day free from the fighting. Ask them straight out whether they will be able to refrain from hostilities on the wedding day, for your sake. Don’t think that avoiding the issue will keep it from coming up; that rarely works. Also, by appealing to their common love for you, you will probably be able to help them call a truce. If one parent is likely to be attending alone, find out whether that’s bothering them – it may well be. You might suggest bringing a buddy for moral support. Also, avoid seating them close to one another, and try to make sure they’re about the same distance from your sweetheart table or head table. If the situation is that volatile, they’re going to be looking for slights, so try to avoid reasons for additional hurt feelings.

Controlling parents

Too often, one or more parents oversteps and tries to influence the choices being made during the planning process. Whether it’s inviting his or her friends to the event (ballooning the guest list out of control) or insisting on their preferred option over those you’ve chosen, they’re obviously in the middle of a power struggle with you and your other half. Often, though, the real issue here is their own feelings of loss. It’s become very real to them that you are permanently choosing someone else as your first priority – over them – and it’s causing them some discomfort, so they’re acting out. 

When dealing with this situation, it’s best to sit down with the parent in a non-judgmental way, and acknowledge that negotiating this territory anew is difficult for you, and no doubt for them as well. Ask how they’re feeling about the upcoming marriage, and let them talk. Then, remind them that while you’ve found your other half, your love for them remains unchanged. Assuring them of their continuing importance in your life may well be the balm they need to let go of the need to control the situation. 

If the situation doesn’t resolve itself after you’ve had a heart-to-heart with them, you may just want to let them know that you and your partner will consider their request. Don’t make any promises that you can’t keep, though, and keep the decision firmly in your own court. Ultimately, the day is about the two of you, so your own needs and wants should prevail.

Jealous siblings

Has a sibling suddenly begun trying to upstage you? Trying to assert their own wishes – or, conversely, acting annoyed any time wedding planning comes up? Much like the controlling parent above, your sibling may be dealing with uncomfortable feelings in relation to your upcoming marriage. The solution here is much the same: start by opening the lines of communication, and then listen. They may be feeling left out of your life, or they could just as easily feel like the wedding is all you care about right now. 

If it HAS become all about the wedding lately, maybe your sister has a point. A little sister time could bridge the gap of hurt feelings as well as refreshing you at the same time. Afterwards, offer a way for your sibling to become involved in wedding planning with something specific, like researching honeymoon destinations, finding alternatives to wedding favors that don’t feel like wasted money, or anything else that could draw them into the process without giving them decisions that need to remain with you and your partner.  Let them lead in a small area, and they’ll likely stop generating so much negative energy when you bring up the wedding. And if they just aren’t interested in wedding planning, respect that boundary.

Conclusion

As you may have noticed, most of the issues coming up within your family involve feelings that people haven’t quite acknowledged or dealt with. (An awful lot of bad behavior stems from mishandled feelings, truth be told.) By getting the issue out in the open and listening to one another, you can often nip the problem in the bud and get back to smooth sailing in your family relationships. Lean on your partner in this (and in all situations), and let them provide you with needed support while you navigate family issues. 

I’ll be back next month with Wedding Stressors, part 2: Your Friends.